My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
