I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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