WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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