We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
