I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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