I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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