I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I am naked and annoyed.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
