Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
