Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
