After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
