Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
