I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
