he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
