So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
