Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
