vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
