I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
