Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
