it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
