I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
