My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
