Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Couch. On fire.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
