Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
