when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
