Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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