And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I CAN MOONWALK!
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
