The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sext me about skeletons
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
