we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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