my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
