You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
