ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
