If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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