So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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