it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
