And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
