sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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