Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize