Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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