my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
