Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
