If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize