cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have aggressive nipples.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
