there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
