I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize