Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
