HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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