I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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