he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
