WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
