I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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