Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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