I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
