Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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