I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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