Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
