Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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