Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
