you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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