I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
