he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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