I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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